Ape vs. Monster is not set in a alternate timeline; it’s in total denial. Somehow, George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin team up to launch a "deep space probe" manned (monkeyed?) by Abraham the Chimpanzee. In 1985. Ten years before W. was even governor of Texas, while Putin was a mid-level KGB agent stationed in Dresden. Chimpanzees have a relatively long lifespan, but like any other animal, they need food to survive — not a lot of bananas in outer space. Thus, Abe was presumably dead of either old age or more likely starvation even by the time they "lost contact" with the probe on "August 12th, 2007." Miraculously, though, when the capsule crashes back down to Earth in what I assume is the present day, not only is Abe alive, but he has turned into a large, indeterminate primate of the computatrum generatae genus; picture the lovechild of Bigfoot and Bubbles. Yada yada yada Abe and a similarly enhanced Gila monster have a battle as epic as two amorphous CGI blobs can be said to have, and the triumphant Abe (say what you will of Ape vs. Monster, but at least it has the decency of declaring a clear winner, unlike Godzilla vs. Kong) is relocated to a "sanctuary" in Santa Fe — because what better natural habitat for a chimpanzee than the f---ing desert?

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