_**Amusing spoof of Hammer's vampire films**_ "The Vampire Happening" is a West German horror/comedy from 1971 (the German title can roughly be translated as "You Only Get Bitten at Night"). The beautiful Pia Degermark plays a double role as an American actress who inherits a castle in Transylvania and discovers that her grandmother is a vampire who looks just like her, albeit raven-haired, also played by Pia. Some of the inhabitants of a nearby monastery and girl's school join the ranks of the undead and the vampires throw a helluva costume party where Dracula shows up. The movie combines elements of "Kiss of the Vampire" (1963) and "The Devil's Nightmare" (1971) with the zaniness of "The Fearless Vampire Killers" (1967). It's a fun romp and not supposed to be taken seriously; anyone offended by its irreverence needs to visit the psyche ward. Ms. Degermark's amazing beauty is a key highlight. Pia was married to the producer at the time and was a promising starlet; she previously won awards at Cannes (Best Actress) and the Golden Globes (Most Promising Female Newcomer). Not that I care about such awards; I just want to establish Pia's blossoming career at the time. Unfortunately, this was her final film -- of only four -- and she divorced the producer a couple years later, falling into anorexia, poverty, fraud and prison in the later 70s. How the mighty have fallen! But, thankfully, I heard she later got her life back on track. In any event, she was in her prime in this movie and does an impressive job in the dual role; in fact, she easily carries the film. Actually, there are quite a few good-lookin' women on display here, but their portrayal is too one-dimensional. If you're a breast man, though, you'll be ecstatic. The film was directed by Freddie Francis, an Oscar-winning cinematographer, known for such quality films as "Glory," "Cape Fear" (1991), "The Elephant Man," "The Creeping Flesh" and "Dracula has Risen from the Grave," but also lesser films (to be nice) like the infamous "Trog." I point this out to stress that this is not some amateur production, although you might think it is since it's such an obscure public domain film, featured on numerous cheap DVDs. "The Vampire Happening" plays out like a satire of Hammer's vampire flicks. As such, there's quite a bit to appreciate here if you're in the mood for a horror sex comedy. The problem is that the story tends to meander. I found the depiction of the Roman monastery and monks to be interesting. Is this what people think Christianity really is? Dull, sterile men wearing drab robes swearing off sex and marriage, utterly appalled by any depiction of nudity, sex or sexuality? I guess they never seriously examined the Song of Songs in their studies (or much of the rest of the Bible, for that matter). What an absurd and erroneous depiction of Christianity, and I'm not blaming the filmmakers, but rather the idiotic religious spirit and sterile organizations that foster such a depiction. FINAL WORD: Although "The Vampire Happening" is a Euro-trash horror sex comedy, it's a fun film if you're in the right mode. It amusingly spoofs vampire flicks and features a strong protagonist/antagonist performance by Pia Degermark. On the downside, it's a little overlong and the story isn't fully engaging, not to mention they drop the ball with the women by being ridiculously one-dimensional. Nevertheless, it's more entertaining than Polanski's overrated "The Fearless Vampire Killers." The film runs 102 minutes and was shot at Castle Kreuzenstein, Austria. GRADE: C+/B- (5.5/10)

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