Bloodcurdling screeches. Objects moving on their own. Rancid smells coming from your air ducts. These signs can only mean one of two things: radon or ghosts. Both have the same solution: Spirit Phantom Exorcizing Removal Materials – SPERM for short. In under five (5) minutes, renowned ghost hunter and pardoned tax evader Hugh Jass demonstrates his most legal invention yet. This product can effectively enslave ghosts and impregnate fertile calves. Waste no time, if you’re haunted or not – everyone must try his SPERM!

"Every SECOND you're not running, it's only getting CLOSER."